Category Archives: reflection

I’ve been struggling the last few weeks, struggling to make out a clear pathway among the massive overgrowth of fear, worry, a cascade of “what ifs.”

I used to be a real worrier. The word itself conjures a hundred little dark birds sitting on a branch, weighing it down, leafy shoots bending towards their  maximum. I’ve been bent lately. Heavy. This imagery comes from advice my mom used to deliver to me when fear and worry inhabited my head, a biblical reference actually:

Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds!

I pride myself in having tamed the birds. I don’t consider myself a worrier anymore. I sleep heavily and in long waves. Feel ill last night and today, I actually slept until noon. You see? Anyone who’s a worrier couldn’t marathon sleep like that. But lately it’s returned, slowly at first and then a massive migration last week. The concern was mostly about yoga, yogaServe, how to keep it viable, but mostly – how to interpret legalese and figure out some liability issues.

Ask me to work one-on-one with clients or inspire instructors to serve or talk about the research surrounding yoga and I’d stay awake until all hours to do it. I have a full-time job. I’m also in the midst of yoga training. But I do this because I love it. It’s rewarding, and I believe in it.

Expose me to the technical side of things – any diversion from the larger picture, really – and it’s like dousing water on a fire. Submerge me in paperwork, Ohio revised code, federal law about volunteer liability coverage. For the average person, this induces sleep. For me, it actually stirs up anxiety. My excuse is that I’ve always been like this. My husband jokes sometimes (but he’s absolutely right…): I’m an intelligent person who can get a degree from Princeton and memorize (difficult) content in an instant but when it comes to trivial, basic things – I act impaired. Balance a checkbook? Turn on a DVD player? Call my student loan company and figure out automatic depositing? These things send me into a tailspin. I have no idea why.

But it was happening again – this time with something I love and something that matters more than turning on Season 2 of Arrested Development. There’s some highly technical, legal, financial details we need to figure out about yogaServe over the long haul. It’s nothing I felt like thinking about (and certainly not writing about) yet here we are. That’s the thing about fear: it grows fast, like a runaway batch of weeds. Before you know it you’re in the brambles and lose sight of the vision.

I ruminated. I distressed. I returned to familiar excuse making like a crutch. “I’m just not good at the technical stuff.” “I’m an Aquarius for god’s sake… what do you expect?” etc. I even believed it for a bit. I pulled out quotes and readings and conjured cliches that I thought might help deliver me from it. Advice I hand out like unsolicited religious tracts rang in my head: “Be POSITIVE! Align with what’s positive”; “trust yourself”; etc. But it felt hollow.

Then I taught class last night (at the women’s shelter). I wish I could share with you what happened – I really do. Because of confidentiality I can’t. Let’s just say that in the midst of class I had a student leave for a bit to handle something – something distressing. She promised she’d continue to use her breathe to handle it.

There was a confidence, a sense of calm, maybe some faith – in the way she described it. I was speechless. I was supposed to be teaching them how to breathe, how to relax, how to “let go,” how to embrace whatever what was happening. But, even in the midst of her challenges, here she was – teaching me to have a bit of faith. To march into a challenge with boldness. To stop making excuses about something being difficult.

And I was reminded of a quote I heard a while back – this time, not a cliche one. I’m sure I’ll botch the paraphrase of it, but it was something like this: “Don’t expect to avoid challenges, for everything to be easy, to not run up against the shit in life. Instead, find something you love so much, that matters so much to you, that feels so right – that it makes the shit bearable.”

That quote emerged last night, like writing on the wall. I have an opportunity to actually change my habits and quit the excuse making, to handle technical and overwhelming details not just to prove to myself I can, but because they’re essential to keeping this going. And because, given all of the challenges in our clients’ lives, and the incredible amount of resilience they demonstrate on a daily basis, there’s simply no excuse not to.

This is the quickest way to see yourself through a challenge, no matter how insurmountable: what is it that motivates you? Who inspires you? What story moves you? Keeps you going? If you haven’t found it yet, keep searching. Even if only 1% of your current situation is positive and compelling – and the rest negative or overwhelming – cling to that 1%. Cling to it for dear life. Breathe it in, wear it like a necklace of protection around your neck. Be grateful for it.

grace & peace,

Jamie